i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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