He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
