True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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