i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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