That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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