Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
