Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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