8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Too much gin, very little bucket
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
