This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
