I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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