My hand turned me down
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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