I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
