Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Randomize
