She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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