I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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