hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
