Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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