he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
