u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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