Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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