why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
