dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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