if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
