I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
