My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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