They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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