I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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