Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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