ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
