There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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