I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
