i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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