i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
