So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
