Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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