I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
