I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
