Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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