hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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