just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
FUCK WHALES
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