You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
