38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
