either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think I am morally bankrupt
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
