pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
