Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
