he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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