so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
