I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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