wanna go halves on a baby?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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