I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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