New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
