Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
