I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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