Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
