I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
