thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
