No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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