Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
