We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
