tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
