Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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