I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
