Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
